What About Now?

I don't remember the last time someone asked me what I was going to do with my life. Aside from myself of course, because if it came down to that, the answer every time would be, five minutes ago.

You remember when we graduated highschool and it was the only thing anyone could talk to you about? What comes next? What amazing talents does this generation have to share with the world? We've given you our everything, now what will you give us?

A year and a half later, they've stopped asking. I guess they got tired of hearing the one answer I could consistently give. I really don't know. What a disappointment.

With another one of those awesome birthdays we all looked forward to from the ages of three to eighteen fast approaching, it's been on my mind a lot lately. What now? Actually, not as much that as, why haven't I done it yet?

The world has been sending me mixed messages. One minute I'm being told that I'm young, now is my chance to do the things I've always dreamed of doing. Now is the chance to see the places I've never thought I'd get the chance to see. "Why not?", is the only question they have for me, when I tell them I can't just leave. Oh, you know,

Family.

Friends.

A job.

People. Mostly people. I can't walk out on them.

"Yeah, that's what held me back too. Don't make the same mistake."

Minute number two has other things to say. Most of them directly contradicting with Minute One, yet explaining to me that Minute One is right. Now is my chance. Wait, what?

My chance for what exactly? I still haven't figured that out.

Have I mentioned Minute Two doesn't make a whole lot of sense?

I work at Safeway. I'm a courtesy clerk, which is a nice way of saying, I bag peoples grocery's, and push carts. My co-workers are awesome.

I've lost count of how many of them have told me to find another job. One of them reminds me rather frequently. "Find something you enjoy doing, because if you can go far here, you'll do even better while you're happy."

I was talking to a friend of mine awhile ago about all of this, and she smiled and said, "it's like a real live coming of age story."

Right, only, where's the climax? At what point do I get hit on the head and come to with the knowledge of everything I've always wanted, and how to achieve it? At one point does everything boil down to the one moment that changes it all?

I guess I know my problem. I've been listening to the world to much. Thinking they're the ones I'm meant to please. Forgetting Who really matters, cause in the end, He's the one I'll be spending eternity with... gosh, and I thought, "the rest of my life" sounded like a long time.

Life Doesn't Have a Mute Button

My one rule in blogging. Only do it when I want to, not when I feel I have to. Unfortunately, sometimes this results in extended periods of time where I type not a single word for you to read. Shame.

Actually, one of the very few reasons I'm back, writing this now, is because of my Sam. You've heard me mention her before. It's not that she's told me repeatedly that I should start blogging again *cough, cough* (she has), it's more the posts I've seen on her own blog recently. Please, go read them. They've inspired me, maybe they'll provide you with the same favor.

Today was one of those days where I just wanted to turn and tell whoever was talking to me to shut up. I wish I could say I would have said it in a nicer way, but truth is, if I'd actually done it, that's exactly how I would have said it. Shut up.

Question. Does adding please to the phrase "shut up" make it any less rude? I feel not.

The weird thing about days like this, for me, is that I'm really not in a bad mood. On the contrary, I could easily describe today as a good day, yet I still just wanted the world around me to be silent. No, not silent, I just wanted the words to stop flowing. From everywhere.

I guess maybe sometimes I overwhelm myself with to many words. To many spoken, to many written, to many to read. They're everywhere, and on days like today, I just don't want them anymore because I can't think anymore. My brain is suffocating. Let me breath. 

I can't though.

You don't have the option of turning words off at work.

You don't have the option of turning words off at home.

You don't have the option of turnings words off with friends.

Turning words off is not an option.

So, on days like today, I bite my tongue, and I nod and smile at the appropriate moments. Well... maybe sometimes I don't always smile.

Today was good. Today I envied the deaf man.